When are we happy? More to the point of this blog, when am I most able to bring happiness to others?
I think part of the answer is ‘just enough’. People are happy when asked to give just enough of themselves – but not too much. Benjamin Franklin made friends by asking for help. I see how that might work. If you ask something of another that they have the ability, time, resources, and interest to share, they can feel good about themselves for being generous. Such experiences build not only friendships, but also self-esteem in the giver.
What does not work is to ask too much of another. This one issue may be the cause of much human discontent. Think about a marriage partner who is angry because the love of her life did not live up to expectations. Think of business partners, or rock singing groups, or community organizers whose plans are shattered because they expect too much of those they rely on.
I suspect that in most of those situations, however, the disappointed partner is not surprised. Even in the honeymoon moments of setting up a ‘we’, there are clues about the disappointments that later surface. And the discontent is shared. The disappointing partner may feel crippling shame or guilt. There is DeJa’Vu in the dynamic of disappointed/disappointee when a particular pattern is recognized as having been experienced with another at an earlier time.
I realize now that my most successful relationships are those where I am aware of the limitations of the other and do not ask beyond them. My relationship with my father was like that. He was an irascible and temperamental man. In hindsight, I believe he behaved that way in situations where he was taxed beyond his emotional capacity to cope. I must have sensed his limits because I did not engage him in those ways. Because I kept a certain distance, we had a relationship of mutual respect and civility. In other relationships, however, I ask too much. My now-grown children will attest to that. In fact, overly high expectations are probably my modus operandi. Likely because I also ask too much of myself.
Kurt W. Fischer, a developmental theorist, had the concept of functional and optimal support for learning as he explored the conditions under which people gain experience most effectively. I think his ideas can help us understand relationships. What are optimal expectations we can have of another? How do I behave when too much is asked of me? Or too little? How do you behave?
Awareness is such a lovely thing. Now that I am aware of these patterns in myself and others, I will be on the lookout for them. Perhaps these insights will help me bring a bit more happiness into the world.